Chapter 29
Alone yet surrounded
‘Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart’ - Rainer Maria Rilke
It starts off with a rough massage in a small parlour. Followed by a matcha latte in a quiet corner of a cafe. I call a friend whose birthday I share. I hardly call, so that was rare. A yoga class waits for me just across the street. And once that’s done, I catch the bus to a comedy show close to home. Alone, yet surrounded by people. That’s the 7th.
The 8th starts with a flat viewing, a mocha, a shopping trip, and an at home yin yoga that stretched a bit too far. The 8th finishes with a presentation, writing, delicious finger food, and desserts that sent even a chocoholic like me into a chocolate coma. Bed time valerian tea to calm the spirit.
The 9th is a late ballet class, a gift jar of honey clasped tightly, resisting to catch a train back to the family house. So I come back to a temporary home. My face meets my pillow and shortly, I write.
And here we are. My birthday weekend. Chapter 29. It’s as glamorous and tragic as it gets. I am not sure if this is how it is supposed to feel at 29. Having just two months prior started a new part-time job, back in an office environment that I haven’t properly been at since 23. Covid has thrust me back into hospitality, getting a survival job, fighting as a service slave. Until a glimmer of hope in my community associate role appeared but died a month in and I decided to quit. I took no time waiting on more signs, on waiting for it to smell worse before I took the action to leave.
Ironically, I have spent the first week crying at my new job before settling in. I would normally take this as a sign that it is clearly not meant for me. And maybe it wasn’t at first. But I learned to rely on myself, my brother and those close to me to learn, push through and succeed - albeit with some mistakes. But what is growth if you don’t make mistakes and learn from them?
Age is just a number. It is true after a certain point. I guess sometime after twenty five you begin to feel it. I could well be eighteen in spirit, relating to the spirit of the youth of eighteen years old with people of my generation. Not current eighteen year olds. It’s hard to describe with words. It feels more right to describe age in my mother tongue as we say ‘I have 29 years’. Even more true would be to say, ‘I have lived for 29 years’. As numerically, ‘I am'‘ 29, yet my soul is ageless. And that will forever be true.
But for the sake of relating to our understood reality, I am 29. And wow, how fast has it flown by. Another decade almost complete. A second decade of feeling more awake in my body as the first 10 years of our lives are often characterised by hazy memories, programming, unconscious behaviours, lack of identity, nervous system training and imagination. The first decade of adulthood. I am noticing myself ageing purely by noticing more and more young people around me whether teenagers or young adults. I know I am far from that stage myself now, which reminds me of how far I have come in many ways. Growing in some ways and still staying the same in other areas. It is very interesting - the human journey.
I do not know what Chapter 29 holds for me. What I do know, is that I can focus on factors in my life within my control: my personal habits. And if these habits lead my closer to the life I envision to live, well, I am playing this game right.